It is very normal to feel very, very stupid.
If you’re embarking on a brand new adventure, whether it’s starting a new job, living in a new country, or both (the aux programme) then you may be familiar with the fear and anxieties that come with your new environment. During my time on the programme, I’ve experienced crippling cluelessness which has left me drained, exhausted and unsure what to do next. Naturally, the more I’ve stepped outside my comfort zone, the more I’ve had to deal with some panic inducing scenarios. I’ve realised this is the price we pay for being independent. I may feel I have more respect for doing things alone, but it can be a challenge when a task has more bumps than expected.
I first had the feeling with my partner on our flight to Malaga. We were just over the Pyrenees when I had the immediate urge to throw up. I’d been so busy preparing documents and getting everything sorted for my arrival that I didn’t really let myself think about what I was getting myself into. I’d already completed a year abroad in 2015 in Spain, but now I was older, officially an ‘adult’ and more conscious of things that could go wrong. I felt less brave. I find as the older and more experienced I become, the more fear I have. Not that it actually stops me from doing something, I push myself to do a lot more, but the anxiety rarely leaves.
Feeling stupid is not something anyone is comfortable with, however in a different country this can be a frequent feeling. There have been times when I'd had enough and resorted to staying in my room, hiding from feeling silly for not understanding anything my Spanish neighbours or colleagues were talking about. Thankfully, my dislike of being clueless means I'm consistently over-prepared for some things, including my immigration appointments in Jerez and knowing Spanish road laws.
I’m currently battling yet another admin task in selling my car. As I type I’m waiting for someone from Facebook Marketplace to come and view old Mabel. The discomfort in my chest takes me back to first dates, as I try to prepare what I’m going to say, and most importantly, to not sound stupid. However this time it’s in Spanish, and rather than meeting a handsome London man, I’m meeting ‘Javier’, a small-town Spanish gentleman from a neighbouring village. Thankfully, if my co-ordinator is available, she’s offered to translate on the phone. I’ve been negotiating the sale of my Micra with my mechanic, who’s been so helpful in the past. However I think now he’s had enough of the confused English girl, which I’ve deduced by being ghosted on WhatsApp. I can do this alone.
'Character-building' is my silver lining for any task I deem a little terrifying or uncomfortable. But it's true. Any challenging situation ultimately teaches us something we didn't know before (thus becoming less stupid). Despite the familiar anxious feeling of tackling something I'm unfamiliar with, depending on the day, I'm less scared of jumping into new situations. I'm excited to see what's next, and what other terrifying things I can learn.
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